Day Five - Medieval torture

Well today was great because Marj's brother and wife arrived late last night. Although they were tired it was great having them around.

That being said only one thing of any note, for our family, really happened today. We went to Medieval Times. Most people know what this entails - kids love it because they get to eat all messy with hands! Josh was particularly impressed with the amount of chicken he was served.

But of course his eyes were bigger than his belly and he only managed to eat a bit of it. 

There was lots of cheering and lots of booing and lots of kids watching people kill each other in a medieval fun kind of way.

And then we got to walk around a medieval village complete with a medieval torture chamber and medieval basket weaving ( I can't think of a worse kind of torture) and a head crusher that freaked Mackenzie out.

So just to make sure no one has any nightmares I also posted a pic of Olivia posing on a palm tree. I know, a bit of a Florida cliche! 

But tomorrow is Disney - you can't get more cliche or tortuous than that!

Day Four - "Little people" torture

Well how do you find a tortuous moment when most of the day is spent bathing in the sun and pool? 

Not only that but half of my torture content has now been banned. 

Mackenzie approached me today saying she just read my blog and that I had to stop talking about her! Hmmm what is a dad supposed to do? I tried to explain I am making her famous - like Bonnie or Clyde (she didn't know who they were I don't think) but I just got that eyebrow look that her mum must have taught her that signals the discussion has ended.

But when you have 5 kids I have learned that 1 will always come through for you in one way or another. And sure enough...

But before all that let me share a little more about our day. So we are staying at a vacation villa. It is a 2 floor 2 bedroom 2 bathroom house with a full kitchen, living room and patio! It's sobering to think that in Vanuatu (the South Pacific island just devastated by a category 5 cyclone), this would be considered a palace and for us it's just a vacation home! We are very blessed in our lives here.

Anyway, we needed to go grocery shopping so we went to Walmart and that's when we discovered there are "Walmarts" and then there are "WALMARTS"! Check this out - it was the size of a large Costco or Sams Club.

And they had very kindly created an English aisle/section just for my visit.

I really enjoyed looking at it but Ribena ( a soft black currant dilutable juice) was $7.50 a bottle, so I reluctantly left it on the shelf. But I admit I readily partook of the custard!

We found all we needed for groceries and headed back to the pool.

To and from the pool Joshua, with the help of Uncle Wayne, started noticing all the lizards that hang around these parts on the palm trees and scurrying across the pathways. We explained how they are like miniature dinosaurs. And then we came across this little fellow.

We called him T-Rex ( as in Tiny Rex!). Josh thought that was a good name. 

Right I promised you a torture moment and a torture moment you will get AND it still involved Mackenzie - hehehe!

So do you remember our quiet Lucy? You know, our "no problem" Lucy? Can you pick her out in the photo below?

Ahh got you thinking now, haven't I? Well let me introduce you to our modern day Bonnie and Clyde.

On the right is our Lucy and in the left is Cheyanne. Such cute innocence right? Look at their matching pyjamas! Well it turns out they are bedroom terrorists! The first night they got here they apparently LICKED Mackenzie's pillow and her sheets! They thought it would be funny. Mackenzie apparently wondered why parts of her bed felt a little damp. YUK!! But the terror didn't stop there - they also set two little chocolates on Uncle Wayne's bed (Cheyanne's dad) and proceeded to, how do I say this - bottom burp on them!!

Oh my goodness! This is my Lucy! My quiet, docile, sweet and innocent little lady. It seems when two sweet quiet children get together something terrible happens, some kind of metamorphosis happens.

Last night they left a toy spider under Mackenzie's pillow last night. I'm not sure when the terror will end but I know we are all just a little more wary of our little people, Lucy and Cheyanne now!

Now if this blog is a little out of sync - the pictures seem misplaced or the paragraphs have all merged into one it's because I am writing my blog on my phone and not on my laptop. Why are you writing your blog on your phone Greg? Well I'm glad you asked. Let me tell you. My laptop inexplicably died last night. One minute it was on and I was downloading photos and the next minute it just shut off would not reboot, absolutely dead and unresponsive and won't even show its charging! It appears to have not just shuffled off this mortal coil but done the computer equivalent of spontaneous combustion! It also means the pool photos I have in my camera cannot be transferred and then added to my blog so you will have to take my word for it that the water was beautiful, the sun was hot, and the palm trees were beautiful!!

Of course, it would have to happen while we are in Florida on holiday. So now I have to try and fix it myself or find an Apple Store. Hmmm beach or Apple Store? To be continued...

Day Three - "Orlando Budget Van Rental" torture

Let me just start off by saying some days it is very very hard to find something tortuous about kids. Today was not supposed to be one of those days - after all, we were flying with 5 kids, 3 who had never flown before and 1 who had but couldn't remember. I was expecting crying and moaning and maybe a little bit of vomiting to have to deal with. But instead I got this:

This was Josh at the very moment the plane finally took off, screaming out loud "this is AWESOME! ROLLERCOASTER!" People around us could not stop giggling.
Across the aisle, the three older girls were a little less thrilled. Ella was very nervous and had a few quiet tears as she got on the plane but big sister Mackenzie showed glimpses of the beautiful young lady she will be (once the teenage years are done), holding her sister's hands through take off.
If you look closely you can see Ella looking very upset and Mackenzie holding her hand and also Lucy's.
Now I want you to take a look below and take special note of the seating arrangements. So I was seated next to the two youngest - Olivia and Joshua (Buzz Lightyear!) and Mackenzie was seated in between Lucy and Ella. But where you may ask during all this time, was Marj? Marj, where are you?! Oh there you are..all alone with a seat to spare next to you...are you comfortable? No kids to look after? How did you manage that? Oh you say you booked it like that?
And, apparently the flight home is booked the same way! That's my cheeky wife! But to be fair to her, she actually has problems flying. If you check out the picture you can see her holding her own hand and breathing in trying to calm her own nerves!
And how was our youngest dealing with the pressure of flying for the first time?

Well Olivia was pretty much just chilling. Legs crossed, reading the emergency instructions like it was a cartoon book.

When we hit some air pockets and turbulence she turned to her mum and said she was a little bit nervous. Marj told her they were air pockets and the pilot was popping each one to which Olivia replied, "Oh well that's cool then."
And that was about as non-tortuous as a flight with 5 kids gets. They were fabulous.

They each were given two food items to take on the plane and of course Josh opened his as soon we were seated. Olivia chose pretzels as one of her two options and Mackenzie went for a turkey sandwich because her Subway meatball lunch in the airport had cheddar cheese not mozzarella on it which had caused a slight teenage moment. (Just to be clear Mackenzie is not a teenager, she is 12- but already exhibiting many of the signs of teenage-itus).
Lucy was her usual quiet self. We'll call her "No problem" Lucy from now on!
So once the flight landed Ella was awarded her wings by the crew for getting through her flight. And they also allowed the kids into the cockpit which of course was an opportunity Buzz "Joshua" Lightyear could not resist:

So take off and landing were smooth, all we needed to do was pick up our van rental that we had booked online a month ago. We headed over to the Budget counter and there was a bit of a lineup, so we stood in line. And we waited...and we waited...and we waited...a man in front of us wanted to talk which was fine but with all the waiting the talking got boring and then kind of awkward. He asked if we liked hockey! I mean hello - I'm from UK! But we pretended we did. Marj said she was a Canadien's fan. I thought that was stretching things a little. Eventually after about half hour waiting and awkward talking with strangers, we were called to the desk but as we were called to the desk, the attendant also called the people behind us over also. SO in fact she called two people at the same time and then said she would help us both at the same time. She then proceeded to help the people behind us first. Strike 1! Greg, be patient. You are on holiday. As she asks us if we'd like a minivan to save time as they do not have a lot of cars I said "oh no its ok we already pre-booked our vehicle" "Everybody has booked" she said, "but the cars aren't all available so we will just get you what we can". I then told her we had booked a 12 seater van, thinking that was unlikely to have been a popular vehicle and so if I clarify that she would realize she could get us the vehicle we booked without further ado. "Well you are special then aren't you". Strike 2!! I had to think for a moment. Did she really just say that? I felt a chuckle growing inside, I wanted to start laughing but I knew if the laughing started the sarcasm would follow. I swallowed my chuckle and instead went silent. All the while she has not made eye contact with us or smiled or calmly explained the big delay. I'm not really sure what else she said after that, something about Orlando drivers being very very bad and that we would need extra insurance and she was very very stern about it. I declined and she continued to press us because the Orlando drivers are very dangerous. Yes no thank you still. Have you driven a 12 seater before? Yes. She continued: Because they are big vehicles and you really should get extra insurance. NO. STRIKE 3.

So we finally got the vehicle but they got their bad review here on my blog. To all 10 readers - dont go with Budget in Orlando if you need to rent a vehicle. They are officially the torture moment of the day!

Day Two - "Seating a Family of 7" and "Kids Not Listening" Torture

Well, I continue to be amazed by the lack of snow down south of the Canadian border. It really seems like there has been very little of the white stuff here.
Mind you, traveling from Duluth to Minneapolis there were fields of gold, and beautiful fall colors on quite a few trees. I can only presume that the winter came quick and hard last fall and froze everything as it stood. No such freezing when it comes to Minnesota drivers - they quite happily cruise past you at 90miles an hour, talking on their phones and some drivers even texting. Who do they think they are - Jacques Villeneuve? ;) Anyway, apparently it's legal here. But then its also legal for a child aged 14 to own a shotgun in Minnesota...

So, once we were on our way and in our groove on the road (we were barely past the hotel we had just checked out of actually, if truth be told) the 5 unsealed mouths invariably opened, squawking like hungry little sparrows "Feed me, feed me, feed me, feed me!". So we stopped at Taco Bell.
You know, it's quite amazing the number of comments we get when we are out with the kids, "Wow are they all yours?" "What a lovely family!" "So nice to see such a grand family all together". People seem to genuinely enjoy seeing a large family out and about - that is until it comes to seating at restaurants! We first noticed this at Mall of America a few years ago. The food court was packed and tables were at a premium but with some awareness, bigger tables could have been freed by some moving off tables for 4 with their family of one! There was no, "Here have a seat" or "Oh no, you take that large table for your large family" It was a dog eat dog world and invariably smaller families are always quicker than our super-sized family. In a race to the tables with chairs and strollers and kids flung in their wake, the smaller families always won.
Well, remembering that - we got into Taco Bell and as soon as we spied a table big enough I had the kids do whatever it took to hold the table! This was the result.

It's good to note that it was cheaper to feed them at Taco Bell than it had been at McDonald's or the "$5.50 for 3 chicken strips" A&W from yesterday!! But then kids we found out aren't really fans of beans or spicy quesadilla's!

Anyway, once fed enough that they stopped squawking, we got back on our way. They wanted to have movies put on in the car but then they couldn't put up with each other once the movies were on - "I can't hear the movie", "I don't want to watch this movie" "Shhhh" "Why are they talking" "Stop her singing". Ugh! Give me a 148-room hotel to run any day! And no matter how you explain being nice to each other and how the sacrifice of this couple of hours stuffed in a van is worth the days of fun they get in Florida, they still wouldn't listen!
Once we got to the TownePlace Suites in Eagan by the airport (which I have to add have great customer service from Belinda and Alex) we thought we were settled for the night.

Oh no!
That's when the youngest two turned into gremlins. Hide and Seek had to include banging doors and cupboards, then the game turned into soccer with a pair of socks, then wrestling. What's wrong with that you say? Nothing except whenever Marj or I politely asked them to calm down or stop banging the walls, or "Olivia put the TV down" etc etc they wouldn't listen. I've become a big fan of the repeat their name until they notice you have turned into a broken automaton. It's less stressful and less loud and it seems to shock their young sensibilities - "Did Dad really immaturely just call my name over and over without stopping?" they wonder.
Anyway, whatever it is, it usually gets their attention. So I tried it a few times tonight.
"josh. josh, josh. josh. josh." Still not answering. "Josh.Josh. Josh......JOSH.....JOSH@!!!!!"
Olivia. Olivia. OLIVIA@#!!!!! Hello!!!!! Earth to children!

They just don't stop once they get going. This is what I had to do today just to get Josh to stop moving for 5 minutes! Hands on the table and me holding his pyjama bottoms so he would stand still! Don't be fooled by that look of innocence - it has teeth! (but the ears don't work!).

And this is the two of them trying to look all innocent after fighting on their bed. Anyway we are safe in Minneapolis waiting for our flight tomorrow.





 "12 more days left" I keep reminding myself. "Just 12 more days!"

Day One - "I'm hungry" and "Slush" torture.

Day One of my 13 days of torture suitably began on Friday the 13th! For those that don't know, my wife convinced me to take her and the kids on a debt-inducing vacation to see cartoon characters in Orlando. We will be gone for 13 days and my only expectation is torture and more torture.
I do have some hope though. I hope that I may get one day of peace on a gulf coast beach and my unrealistic wish is that I get a chance to either swim with sharks or experience a hurricane.
Here is a picture of the snowman we are leaving behind in the back garden. He is a pretty gloomy looking snowman - maybe he knew the flurry of ice rain, hail and snow that was about to inundate him just as we left Thunder Bay - more of that later. Marj just noted the poop in the garden...I'm sorry I didnt notice. In fact I didnt even know snowmen pooped.
So the family left pretty much after I finished work. We said goodbye to the pets, made our way to Target to pick up some holiday sandals and shoes and then suddenly the first tortuous cry emerged - "Dad I'm hungry!" The words every parent dreads. I cant understand how such small bodies need so much food...soo often!
I can go a whole day working hard and forget to eat but half an hour with these minions and we get the "i'm hungry" guilt trip. How come their hungry mouths dont come with sealable lips so once the food goes in they cant say anything else until you open them up again and shovel the next portion of oatmeal in?
So being the first day of the holiday, we decided to treat them to A&W. BIG MISTAKE!
Did you know $5.50 for 3 chicken strips does NOT include fries and a drink. By the time we had ordered everything for the kids, the bill on the screen was exceeding $50 and the parents hadn't even picked anything to eat yet! We promptly canceled our order and drove off, slowing down enough for me to give one of my disapproving looks to the young and somewhat confused-looking attendant in the drive through. McDonald's may be a lot of things but at least everyone ate for under $50!!
The only problem there was that the overhang on the drive through was positioned just so that any falling slush fell right through our window onto my arm. I'm not sure if anyone has had slushy ice drop on their arm before. It's horrible. It feels like a snowman just threw up on you! And the worst part is it trickling down your arm UNDER your jacket and you can't get to it - you just have to deal with it. Marj thought this was particularly funny.

Anyway we finally got our food and were on our way, slip sliding away - yes driving in unplowed, freshly covered roads of ice, slush and snow. Oh did I mention, Marj forgot to mention she has bald tires on the van. We almost died 3 times.  That is - not we could die 3 times - you can only die once really but there were 3 times on our trip where I actually thought we were going to slide into the ditch.
Once we crossed the border the snow and ice just disappeared. We made it to Duluth and Marj only mentioned speed once...EVERY 2 minutes!
We arrived in Duluth, got a suite at the Days Inn opposite the mall (I'm guaranteeing Marj made the hotel choice based on location). Let me just tell you there is nothing fun about fitting a family of 7 into a room with just enough bed space, pillows and blankets for 6. Josh had some lights he got from his friend at school that he kept flashing in the darkness, Ella felt sick and Josh from out of the silence and concerned, advised her to turn the other way if she needs to throw up. Good advice son, good advice! We eventually got some snooze time in before the kids woke up at 5:30am.
Well here is the crazy family as we took off on my 1st day of torture. I survived with just a slight head ache and a frozen arm. My smile was pre-torture and Olivia was just getting her "word" out to her peeps on the street.